⭐A Bookish Conversation with 'The Pilate Scroll' M.B. Lewis⭐ #pumpupyourbook #interview


M.B. Lewis is an Amazon #1 International Bestselling Author, and his books have also been on the Bestseller lists on Barnes and Noble Nook and Kobo platforms. The author of the award-winning Jason Conrad Thriller series has been on numerous author panels at writer’s conferences such as Thrillerfest, The Louisiana Book Festival, The Pensacola Book and Writers Festival, and Killer Nashville.

A 25-year Air Force pilot, he has flown special operations combat missions in Bosnia, Iraq, and Afghanistan in the AC-130U Spooky Gunship. Michael is currently a pilot for a major U.S. airline.

A proud Christian active in his community, Michael has mentored college students on leadership development and team-building and is a facilitator for an international leadership training program. He has participated as a buddy for the Tim Tebow Foundation’s “Night to Shine” and in his church’s Military Ministry program. Michael has also teamed with the Air Commando Foundation, which supports Air Commando’s and their families’ unmet needs during critical times.

While his adventures have led to travels all around the world, Michael lives in Florida with his wife Kim.

His latest book is The Pilate Scroll.

You can visit his website at www.thepilatescroll.com.


Before you started writing your book, what kind of research did you do to prepare yourself?

I knew part of the back-story would contain the Emperor Constantine, so I read a biography on him, and did plenty of internet searches as well. I’ve been reading the Bible daily, or mostly daily, for the last thirteen years. I also researched ancient puzzles, the development of paper, and other intricacies.

Did you pursue publishers or did you opt to self-pub?

I went the indie route. We have our own publishing company that we published my Jason Conrad Thriller series under. I did pitch to one agent, and him only, but he wasn’t interested at the time. That’s okay, he gave me some great pointers that made the manuscript better. I like going the indie route because I can establish the timeline for my book release.



If self-published, did you hire someone to format the eBook version for you or did you do it yourself?  Can you tell us what that was like?

I formatted the book myself. I use an iMac and the software program Vellum. I made the switch from Windows a couple of years ago and the time-saving has been amazing. What used to take me a week to do, hand-jamming into MS Word (which I still use to write on my Mac), I now do in a couple of hours.

If self-published, how did you determine the price?

It’s determined by the comparative market out there. The quality of my books are as good as traditionally published books in the marketplace, so they’re priced to match. Of course, since I’m an indie, I can adjust it how I see fit. Sometimes you have to bend and flex to reach your goals. Also, this is the first time I’ve printed a hardback. Because it is outsourced by another printer, you’ve got to price it high enough to return just a little (very little) profit when sold online.



Did you purposefully choose a distinct month to release your book?  Why?

Not really. The Pilate Scroll was completed for six months before it was released. Again, a benefit of being an indie; sometimes, life gets in the way. I pushed the launch back to April of 2021 for my own convenience and I’m glad I did. It also gave me more time to look at the book two or three “last” times.

How did you choose your cover?

I used Damonza, the same cover artist I use for all my books. The first two samples he gave me weren’t quite in the vein of the story. But when he sent the third, he nailed it. The cover tells you there’s an adventure inside, just waiting to happen!



Did you write your book, then revise or revise as you went?

I write straight through the first draft without any revision. I heard Brad Thor explain this years ago and I made total sense. He said, “Never be afraid to let yourself write a bad first draft.” His point was, if you’re constantly revising the book during the first draft, you’ll never finish. Keep pushing through the first draft and fix it in the re-write. I actually love the re-write process. I’ve rearranged paragraphs as well as chapters. Its where you fix the story so that it makes sense. I think new authors tend to revise while they write—I know I did on my first book. Part of that was because I was teaching myself the process. It took five years to write my first draft of my first book. But I wasn’t working on it full time, I went to three different aircraft schools, two different military educational schools, and finished my master’s degree during this time. Like I said earlier, life gets in the way.

Did you come up with special swag for your book and how are you using it to help get the word out about your book?  

I did! Quite by accident, I found these tiny scrolls with Bible verses on them! They are quite cool. I sent them with the hardcover book that I sent to the people who helped me with the book. I keep buying as many of them as I can, so I can give them out once I start having book signings.



Did you consider making or hiring someone to make a book trailer for your book?  If so, what’s the link?

No, I make my own book trailers using iMovie on my Mac. You can see them all here: https://www.michaelbyarslewis.com/media

What’s your opinion on giving your book away to sell other copies of your book?



It’s a necessity. It’s a very competitive world out there. As an indie author, you’ve got to get your book in front of readers. Fortunately, the digital age makes it not only easy, but affordable for the indie author to do this. It’s best to create what’s called a ‘Reader Magnet’. Something you can give away for free but is used to draw the reader to the rest of your books. Of course, the downside of giving away something for free, is that it usually sits in the e-reader longer or sometimes forever, because people are going to read what they pay for first.

What are three of the most important things you believe an author should do before their book is released?

  1. Find a good editor.
  2. Find a good proofreader.
  3. Find Beta Readers who will be honest with you.

What are three of the most important things you believe an author should do after their book is released?

  1. Start writing the next book.
  2. Keep pushing the book into the marketplace. Indie authors don’t have the advantage of big budget advertising. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
  3. Network, network, network.



What kind of pre-promotion did you do before the book came out? 

I redesigned my website and set up pre-sale links to all the major retailers. I had a cover reveal; first on my newsletter-then on my group page & author page. I got as many endorsements as I could as soon as possible. All of my social media pages were updated with the pending release date and pre-sale information. As the date got closer, I experimented with some pre-sale advertising on BookBub and Facebook, but not much. I also set up a lot of Amazon advertising, which has been running continuously for about four months. Two months out, I set up an eBook giveaway on Goodreads and I also had a newsletter signup where I gave away a Cultural Backgrounds Study Bible.

Do you have a long-term plan with your book?

Keep marketing the book, reaching new readers and expanding the audience. At some point, I may take the eBook exclusively to Kindle, but that remains to be seen. There are too many readers on those platforms right now to stop that lifeline. I’ll look into making an audiobook soon and people have talked to me about translating the story into a film. Like I said earlier, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. This book has such depth and breadth, there’s a lot of audience out there that are looking for a book like this, we’ve just got to get it in front of them.

What would you like to say to your readers and fans about your book?

The Pilate Scroll came out several weeks ago and the reviews have been fantastic! There’s nothing else out there like it. This is the kind of book that parents can read with their kids and actually have a conversation about what took place. As one reviewer said, “Fun read! My kid is at the level where he's ready for more exciting and mature topics, but the mom in me sides away from graphic or too 'adult' themes. This book was perfect! An engaging thriller that he really got into, and I enjoyed as well. (In fact, I had a hard time putting it down.) We're hoping Mike Lewis has another one in progress!” Check it out, you won’t be disappointed.

 

Inside the Book



 

A quest to save the world . . . a secret that could change it. Forever.

Kadie Jenkins is a survivor. Now part of an elite group of scholars and scientists, their mission is to stop an impending global terrorist threat. But when a colleague is murdered in Egypt, Kadie finds herself pitted against a foe more terrifying than the one they were trying to stop. Teaming up with a renegade pilot and her younger brother, they find themselves in a race against time, greed, and certain death. Can they uncover a 2000-year-old legend to save themselves and possibly the rest of the world?

PRAISE

“WARNING: Sleep deprivation likely. This Christian thriller is a page-turner; more like a page burner. Think Indiana Jones meets God’s Not Dead! M.B. Lewis decided to “take a risk” and write a Christian thriller and he has hit a walk-off homerun with The Pilate Scroll. From the opening page, you’re captivated by the action, intensity and intrigue, and especially the emotional connections, good and bad, among the characters. Along the way, the gospel of Jesus Christ is wonderfully-woven into the story, without being preachy but also theologically-sound. The “fictional historical” and the factual references throughout the book are so well presented it’s hard to determine which is which. It’ll have you doing extra research! Mike has written a gem. I can’t wait to see this on the big screen; it is worthy of being made into a movie. “

– David Jeffers is the Amazon Best-Selling Author of Man Up! What the Bible Says About Being A Man, Losing Evangelicals: How Christians Are Leaving Jesusland, and the Eavesdropping on God devotional series. David has appeared on Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk, Christian Television Network’s Homekeepers with Arthelene Rippy, and numerous radio interviews.

“If you took The Da Vinci Code and tossed it toward Raiders of the Lost Ark, you’d have this book! The Pilate Scroll is an exciting adventure from the very first page. It has everything—a strong heroine, a sweet younger brother, a true hero, and pesky villains who show up and wreak havoc. But it also has a strong faith thread that brings it all together. Katie, Brian and Duke are forced to search for a possible declaration from Pontius Pilate that could change history. I won’t give away the details, but it sure touched me! I highly recommend this book!”

– Lenora Worth, New York Times Best-Selling Author

“World-altering stakes meet sacrificial love in a story that lifts both the soul and the heart rate. M.B. Lewis handles a tough subject with sensitivity and grace while keeping the pages flying with realism only a been-there-done-that combat veteran can offer.” 

– James R. Hannibal, Award-Winning Author of The Gryphon Heist

“The many years that the author, Michael Lewis, has spent as a military and civilian pilot, flying internationally into fascinating cities and cultures all over the world, properly prepared him to write such an action-packed novel as The Pilate Scroll. If you love drama, mystery, and surprise, you will love this new book.  Amid all of the normal things that you would anticipate from this excellent author who is continuing to grow in popularity, Lewis adds a new spiritual dimension to this book. In sharing the drama of a team on a passionate mission, Lewis weaves into the story a spiritual dimension that is filled with the author’s excellent knowledge of the Bible, his deep understandings of the teachings of Jesus Christ, and the virtues of Christianity found in forgiveness, redemption, transformation, and healing. He also exhibits a deep knowledge of the sacred sites so familiar in the life of Jesus, as well as keen insights regarding the teachings of church fathers through the centuries.”   

– Dr. Karl K. Stegall, Pastor Emeritus
First United Methodist Church
Montgomery, Alabama

“Lewis courageously steps away from the mainstream to answer a higher call to deliver this epic Christian thriller. Well done!”

– Gary Westfal, Life Coach and Best-Selling Author, Goal Mind

“The Pilate Scroll is an emotional rollercoaster that includes everything; from good guys with hyper-spiritual awareness and faith to bad guys with questionable ethics or lack thereof… and the perfect combination of action and moments that pull at your heartstrings. Indiana Jonesmeets Ted Dekker in this fun, realistic portrayal of a tale that, if it were true – the world might be better off not knowing it ever happened. But the best part is, the author leaves that for the reader to decide. Without ruining the ending, let me just say there haven’t been many action novels that moved me to tears. This one did. God bless those that read it. And the author that wrote it. A highly recommended novel for believers and nonbelievers alike.”

– Jason E. Fort is the creator and author of Fortress Books 

“M.B. Lewis has created a heart-stopping suspense novel with faith at the heart of its main character, Kadie. The plot is original and genuinely intriguing, and so are the characters, especially Kadie, who is strong yet vulnerable. I like the way Lewis has crafted this character to be flawed and relatable, not a super-Christian without problems. This woman hasn’t felt her faith in a long time, but the events that occur in her life shake her. As you read, you feel for her vulnerable position, and really become invested in the mystery and intrigue crafted by the author. I also like the relationship between Kadie and her special-needs younger brother, Brian. You don’t have to be a Christian to enjoy this story of forgiveness and healing, but it is brimming with biblical themes and knee-deep in history and culture. The Pilate Scroll by M.B. Lewis is a must-read for those craving a top-tier faith-based suspense novel. Fans of Dan Brown will love this book.”

-Tammy Ruggles – Readers’ Favorite

ORDER YOUR COPY

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⭐Pump Up Your Book Virtual Book Tour Kick Off⭐ THE FIRE INSIDE: A COMPANION FOR THE CREATIVE LIFE by Lucy Adkins & Becky Breed #Creativity #Selfhelp

  


Wherever you are in your creative life---just tiptoeing in or fully immersed, The Fire Inside can be a source of encouragement and inspiration…





By Lucy Adkins & Becky Breed

Title: THE FIRE INSIDE: A COMPANION FOR THE CREATIVE LIFE
Author: Lucy Adkins & Becky Breed
Publisher: WriteLife Publishing
Pages: 290
Genre: Creativity / Self-Help

BOOK BLURB:

The underlying principle of The Fire Inside is that we all have within us vast untapped reservoirs of creativity, and when we recognize and begin to connect with that potential, our lives will open in ways we cannot begin to imagine. Many books have been written about the art and craft of individual disciplines of creativity. Yet few are so inclusive, so welcoming as this book, offering insight not only for furthering ones abilities in the traditional arts, but also in our day to day creativity, which so enriches our lives.

Based on the authors’ combined fifty-five years of teaching, working with writing groups and providing workshops on writing and creativity, The Fire Inside is written in a spirit of warmth and generosity. It invites the reader to:

Say yes to creativity and the nurturing it provides

Choose to live a bigger life

Uncover inner sources of inspiration and discover how “the magic” happens

Become a part of the creative community

Let go of forces that try to limit you

Develop skills for what it takes to live more creatively

Locate the “sweet spot” needed to build your life as an artist and creative being

Wherever  one may be in his or her creative life—just tiptoeing in or fully immersed in the life of the imagination, The Fire Inside will be a companion in that life, a source of encouragement and inspiration. The manuscript is composed short essays designed to provide a daily dose of support and motivation. It includes anecdotes, inspirational quotations and end of chapter meditations and exercises which ask Why not me? What gets in my way of being creative? In what unknown ways am I waiting to blossom. 

More and more, we hunger for meaning and for opportunities of self-expression. The Fire Inside, in its bite-sized essays which can be read in five or ten minute increments, speaks to that hunger, and provides a source of the creative nourishment we all need.




Deep within us, we have a yearning, a passion, a desire to make and to do, to create something out of our hearts and imaginations that did not exist before. To bring forth something new upon the earth. It is innate in us, this intense wanting, and when we are engaged in the specific type of creativity we were meant to do—whether it be painting, writing, making music, or designing a new way to educate our children—we experience what Martha Graham calls “a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening.” It’s what puts the spark in our eyes, the skip in our steps. It is the fire inside.
         Do you know that fire? Sometimes it manifests itself as restlessness,a vague dissatisfaction, a feeling that there is something important you must do, you have to do, to be true to yourself. It is the little ache you feel when you read a story that is heartbreakingly true and think I want to do that, or when you see a painting that stuns you with its power, and your fingers itch to pick up a paintbrush. Maybe it isn’t exactly clear what is burning inside, what you want and are put on earth to do. Or perhaps you know in your bones that you must write poetry, you must dance or die, you must create gardens of incredible beauty, but maybe you’re afraid that if you try you will fall flat on your face. You doubt yourself and your abilities. This is the way we humans are, having an intense wanting on one hand, fear and doubt on the other. But let us accept as an essential truth that we are all creative, wildly creative, each and every one of us— that we have vast reserves of untapped talents and abilities—songs only we can write, sculptures waiting to be born from the unique spirit that is us; and when we accept that belief and act on it, oh, then! We wake each day with a new animation, a vibrancy and passion. We feel like children let out of a stuffy classroom into a blue-sky spring day, and we can’t wait to see what we can do with it.
         The fire inside is the “something” that fascinates you, intrigues you, so that you go to sleep and wake up thinking about it. You want to study it from all its interesting angles and make it central to your life, keep working at it, falling short in your aspirations at times, but trying and trying again. And if you are not currently involved with something that brings with it such zeal, if you’ve kept your fire tamped down, unable to act on your passion for whatever reason, know that it is still there—the beginning of days filled with intense purpose and meaning, waiting for you.

The Highest Kite
         Imagination is the highest kite that can fly.
         —Lauren Bacall, By Myself and Then Some          The human brain is a remarkable thing. It keeps the body going, stores knowledge, analyzes, remembers, puts two and two together to make sense of the world, and somehow allows for the miracle of imagination. When we were children, we lived in worlds rich in imagination, allowing us to transform a blanket draped over a chair into a cave, the tree-filled ditch behind the house into a secret forest. We carried out endless adventures in the worlds we created, the synapses in our brains sparking with delight and excitement.
         But when we become adults and take on duty and responsibility, we don’t invite imagination out to play as much as we used to. The good news—especially for those wanting to live more creative lives—is that we can become just as involved in flights of fancy as we used to be, rediscovering the world in all its beauty, its design as well as its asymmetrical magnificence. Ask yourself: if you were a little seed in the ground waiting for spring to warm you and pull the green livingness of you up to the sun, what would that be like? If you were a baby robin in a blue egg in a nest, how would it be pecking your way into the world? Crazy questions, maybe, but ones that can stimulate us to bursts of creativity, and as Lauren Bacall suggests, that is a joyous way of living in this world.
         So, if you haven’t exercised the muscles of your imagination lately, why not start now? Not that you have to embark on a novel, necessarily, or begin work on the next Mona Lisa; you can begin simply and joyfully as children do. Look at pictures of art and imagine stepping inside the frames. Who would you talk to and what would you see? Or look outside your window and take note of the different elements there. Maybe you see a bird flying or tree branches swaying in the breeze, then imagine a conversation with that bird or that tree. It may come haltingly at first, in fits and starts, but when you let whimsy back into your life, the brain begins to work in new ways, mapping out new neural pathways. And like muscles gradually becoming stronger as you exercise, so does the imagination become livelier and more free-wheeling. You will find your life opening up, becoming richer as your mind discovers ideas for your next artistic project in the pattern of the night sky or the sound of the wind before a storm. Imagination can be the be-all and end-all for you; it can be everything.

 




  









Lucy Adkins earned her MFA from the University of Nebraska at Omaha and is a writer of poetry, fiction, and nonfiction. Her poetry and short fiction have appeared in many journals and anthologies, and her first poetry chapbook, One Life Shining, was published by Pudding House Press. She co-presents the Nebraska Humanities program “Diaries and Letters of Early Nebraska Settlers,” and is a frequent writing instructor for OLLI, Osher Lifelong Learning Institute, and the Larksong Writers’ Workshops. Her book, Two-Toned Dress, was the winner of the 2019 Blue Light Press poetry chapbook contest.

WEBSITE | TWITTER | FACEBOOK | PINTEREST

 

Becky Breed, a veteran educator, poet, and essayist, co-wrote and facilitated “Women at the Springs,” a Nebraska Humanities program empowering women to live more courageously, as well as “The Intergenerational Project” connecting elders and teens through stories to promote communication, writing, and use of the media. She has an Ed.D. in Education, and in addition to teaching at the university level, was the principal of a Gold Star School which was awarded recognition for significant improvements in reading, writing, and math. The students’ resiliency and drive to be the best they can be helped shape the fabric for several of the enclosed essays.

Together the two co-authored Writing in Community: Say Goodbye to Writer’s Block and Transform Your Life, which was awarded an “IPPY” in the Independent Publishers Book Awards. Writing in Community, the first book in their “Essential Writing and Creativity” series, along with the impact of Adkins’ and Breed’s many presentations and workshops led to their being named winners of the 2020 Lincoln, Nebraska Mayor’s Arts Award in Artistic Achievement in Literature.

WEBSITE | TWITTER | FACEBOOK



 


WRITING IN COMMUNITY: SAY GOODBYE TO WRITER’S BLOCK AND TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE

 






Sponsored By:

⭐ Pump Up Your Book Virtual Book Tour Kick Off ⭐ MEANINGFULL: 23 LIFE-CHANGING STORIES OF CONQUERING DIETING, WEIGHT, & BODY IMAGE ISSUES by Alli Spotts-De Lazzer #SelfHelp @meaningfullread #therapistalli

  

MeaningFULL: 23 Life-Changing Stories of Conquering Dieting, Weight, & Body Image Issues provides help and hope through relatable real-life stories with expert insights that make you feel seen and validated…





By Alli Spotts-De Lazzer



Title: MEANINGFULL: 23 LIFE-CHANGING STORIES OF CONQUERING DIETING, WEIGHT, & BODY IMAGE ISSUES
Author: Alli Spotts-De Lazzer
Publisher: Unsolicited Press
Pages: 282
Genre: Self-Help / Memoir

BOOK BLURB:

MEANINGFULL: 23 LIFE-CHANGING STORIES OF CONQUERING DIETING, WEIGHT, & BODY IMAGE ISSUES is a blend of motivational self-help, memoir, psychology, and health and wellness. Alli Spotts-De Lazzer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, an expert in eating and body image issues, and a woman on the other side of her own decades-long struggle with food and body.

A $702 billion global diet/nutrition and weight loss industry shows that people worldwide are devoted to achieving maximum health and their desired bodies. Yet mainstream approaches are failing these individuals, and sadly, science proves this. Intent on gaining the “health” and “happiness” that diets promise, consumers keep trying. They become sad and frustrated, believing they’re failing when they’re not. They simply need a legitimate, alternative path, which MeaningFULL offers. Through the contributors’ diverse, real-life mini-memoirs followed by Spotts-De Lazzer’s commentaries, readers will learn about themselves and discover their unique, unconventional formulas for conquering their issues. Along the way, MeaningFULL will also guide them towards more self-appreciation, wellness, and fulfillment.



"Have you ever thought that the painful experiences you've had after falling off a diet or being uncomfortable with your body are yours alone? No one else could have ever felt as sad, frustrated, or disappointed as you have! No one else could have struggled with self-esteem or a lack of inner trust as you have! The truth is that these feelings and experiences are universal in a world of diet culture, that only values you for an idealized size or shape of your body and judges you for your eating choices. MeaningFull is a relatable, down-to-earth book that can help you to not feel so alone and isolated in your relationship with food and your body. By reading the stories of a multitude of people who have found their way out of the trap of diet culture and by reading the clear and valuable guidelines and advice that Alli Spotts-De Lazzer presents, you will finally find the hope for a future of joy and satisfaction in your eating and a sense of respect and dignity for the miraculous body that is yours."

-Elyse Resch, MS, RDN, CEDRD-S, FAND, Nutrition Therapist, Author of The Intuitive Eating Workbook for Teens and The Intuitive Eating Journal, Co-author of Intuitive Eating, The Intuitive Eating Workbook, and The Intuitive Eating Card Deck

In "Meaning Full" Alli Spotts has put together a trove of inspiring stories for anyone interested in tackling problems with eating, weight and body image. The various contributors in the book take readers on a summary of their own healing journey providing useful ideas and strategies that others can apply where appropriate. Readers not only get honest, personal, accounts, but Alli's summary at the end of each case provides clarification, cites research, and gives further resources on the various subjects brought up. It is refreshing to read a book where individuals dealing with weight and body image struggles describe overcoming their plight.

-Carolyn Costin, Director of the Carolyn Costin Institute, 8 Keys To Recovering From An Eating Disorder

 

For parents who have a child struggling with any kind of eating or body image issues, it's common to feel isolated, scared, confused, and even ashamed. The stigma and stereotypes around these issues and sometimes serious illnesses add an extra burden for so many families, and it can be hard to find other people who truly "get it." Parents looking for hope, insight, and connection will find many poignant stories in MeaningFULL. Caring for a young person through healing from these issues-from seemingly minor self-image problems to serious eating disorders-can take an emotional toll, and families often need a lot of support. Alli Spotts-De Lazzer's collection of diverse personal stories can help parents feel less alone, shed the guilt or self-blame, and start to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

-Oona Hanson, MA, MA, Educator and Parent Coach 



 

 PROLOGUE

Alli’s Clumsy Conquering—

My Story Leading to this Book

WHILE SEATED AT a dinner table for ten, people passed the last few bites of birthday cake around the table. With intense focus, I watched the plate move like a Ping-Pong ball at play. Some smiled and chatted as they tasted; others made irritating “mmmm” sounds. The pressure


built amid the overly polite, drawn-out volley of discussion: “You have the last bite,” “No, you have the last bite,” “No, I simply couldn’t!”

I snapped. My hand flew out across the table to stop the passing of the plate mid-Pong. I wish it had only been my thoughts, but I heard my voice rising over the volume of the noisy restaurant. Slowly and with precise enunciation, I boomed, “Fucking eat it, or don’t eat it. But shut-up about it.”

Heads turned. Abrupt silence fell across the table. All movement froze. Unusually wide eyes stared back at me. Blank faces. Jaws slightly dropped.

Shit.

I’d just ruined my best friend’s 30th birthday.

While they’d been sharing stories about themselves, exchanging witty comments, and cracking each other up, I’d been growing increasingly agitated. By the time we reached dessert, I’d already endured two hours of my head unrelentingly screeching at me about all the food rules I’d broken.

I’d been feeling frustrated and ashamed of how challenging that dinner had been from its start to this finale. I also felt sad and selfish that I couldn’t seem to pay attention to my friend like she deserved. I knew my window was closing for when I could get rid of what I’d eaten. My public happy mask slid off without my permission. I had lost control.

Since I usually smiled my way through discomfort, people rarely knew how much angst was going on in my head. That night, people saw it: the unease around food that had been visiting me, in varying intensities, since around 11 years old.

 

I’d already been on various diets before I hit my late tweens, when suddenly and without my consent or knowledge, my common dieting slipped into disorder, anorexia nervosa. Seemingly overnight, my favorite foods became inedible. Swallowing nearly anything other than my safe, steamed broccoli felt like a sandpaper-worm crawling down my throat. Obviously, this made eating a challenge.

Alarmed by my dramatic physical changes, like protruding vertebrae, my parents sought professional help. However, treatment in the 1980s was in its early stages. It was a terrible experience (super blaming on others) and caused me to mention little-to-nothing about food or weight in future therapy experiences.

After I gained enough pounds, I wasn’t considered “anorexic” anymore. People seemed to think I was fixed and fine because I no longer looked sick.

I then spent decades on various regimens. Mostly, I tried to eat a “healthy” and low/no-fat diet and worked out for hours in the gym. I also replaced real foods with engineered food-like products. (As I write this, I can still taste my cinnamon toast made with saccharin and fake butter spray. Nasty.) I did the newest popular diets and followed celebrity diet-tips. One fad program I purchased had these weird pills that creepily filled your stomach once inside you. I mastered counting calories in and exercised off. I tried aids like over-the-counter diet pills that curbed my appetite but messed me up—they made me chase my speeding thoughts but not catch them. I smoked cigarettes to avoid eating. And I purged (got food inside me, out).

For years, I nonchalantly called these health and weight management practices my “maintenance.” I accepted my demanding relationship with food and body as status quo. In public, people often complimented me on what they viewed as my “healthy choices” and “discipline.” In private, the few who knew of the periods of bingeing and purging said little to nothing about it. One best friend used to stand in the bathroom doorway, chatting with me as she watched me make myself throw up. So, no big deal, right? Besides, I wasn’t taking Fen-Phen, which I thought was way too severe and scary. I judgmentally elevated myself above anyone who did that. (Back then, everything diet-related brought out a snotty jackass part of me. I didn’t like or want to feel so petty inside, yet it happened often.)

After my initial, fairly short period of emaciation, I was never that skinny-skinny again. In fact, I gained a lot of pounds (a freaking lot—I couldn’t fit into “average” sizes). Then I lost most of that weight and continued to bounce around between my extremes. My “maintenance” practices spanned from mild to severe methods, frequent to less frequent. Mostly, though, I looked “normal” in our society, and my constant dieting practices were normalized every day by advertisements, articles, and social conversations. I now realize that I would have qualified as having both clinical (meeting the actual diagnosis) and subclinical (problematic but not matching any diagnostic label) eating disorders throughout these decades.

Though I didn’t believe myself to be in danger at any time, physical quirks happened that were likely a result of my “maintenance” practices. In addition to a regularly edgy mood and irregular sleep, I occasionally experienced a puffy face, dizziness, and feeling weirdly “off” inside my body. Usually, we don’t feel or notice our insides or heartbeat; I definitely noticed mine at times. But I disregarded it all—except the puffy face that I frantically tried to de-puff because it looked strange.

Without telling my doctor about my “maintenance” practices, she didn’t know to run the specific tests to check if I was safe inside. I’m randomly lucky that I didn’t develop lasting or fatal health problems. My “off” feeling and my noticeable heartbeat could have been signs of electrolyte abnormalities, weakened heart, dehydration, or other serious issues. Thankfully, the body is forgiving and can often heal when the behaviors are corrected or stopped.

No matter what was going on inside me, I still appeared to be fine. In fact, people referred to me as a “high achiever.” I consistently performed well in school, and from my first “real” job as a teen (a juicer in a juicery) to full careers, I excelled at work, too. However, my dieting, weight obsession, and body image issues ruled my days from my tweens into my thirties. Always present, their intensity and severity ebbed and flowed. Correspondingly, my contentment in life was limited and uneven.

I couldn’t fully witness or participate in most things, because there was usually this humming or banging distraction. During my courting years, I romanced the bread on the table instead of my dinner dates. Celebrations all involved food and were usually more like scared-ebrations for me, like my friend’s 30th birthday. Thankfully, she forgave me.

People tell me that I presented, for the most part, a free-spirited, full-of-life persona to the outside world during those years. But I was far from feeling free or full-of-life.

 

Why-Oh-Why Change?

You may be wondering; when food and body issues are that embedded—a way of existing—why and how does someone heal, change, or recover from them?

As a mental health professional and eating disorders specialist, I can wholeheartedly share that what each person wants to conquer and their journeys to do so are unique. For me, the birthday cake incident humiliated me, but it wasn’t enough to make me challenge or change my “maintenance” practices. Instead, a bunch of other stuff lined up to help me realize that I wanted a different, more contented life—one with less focus on food, body, and weight.

Here’s one of the most influential factors: anger. Though the feeling often takes a bad rap as a negative emotion, I think anger is awesomely informative. It’s a waving red flag that broadcasts, “Hey, something is wrong! Since you’re not acknowledging it, I’m going to get your attention!” 

For years I had fastidiously kept photo albums. I finally noticed that when I looked back at decades of what others regarded as “cool” or “exciting” memories, I rarely recalled the event, my connections to the occasion, or the people in the photos. Who did I go to that formal with? Why did I meet that celebrity? How did I get talked into being on that parade float? Instead, I remembered my weight or dress size in each shot. This made me mad. 

Simultaneously, I’d met someone special who would become the love of my life. I felt protective of being able to recall both present and future memories—and not by weight or size. Also, my parents were getting older, and I wanted clear recollections with them too.

Then one more significant thing happened to jolt me. Long after that cake episode, that same dear friend confronted me in a loving way. It went something like this: “I know you may get mad at me, and this could ruin our friendship, but I don’t think what you’re doing—your ‘maintenance’—is normal. I don’t think it’s okay or healthy. I feel concerned about you.” Of course I got outraged inside. But something about her bravery touched me. I must have been sufficiently open and the timing must have been right enough to hear it. Plus, I think the guilt I had from messing up her birthday helped me listen to her.

For years I’d been working with a really skilled generalist therapist, but I’d mostly kept the eating and weight stuff out of the room. I hadn’t wanted her to know much about it or to meddle with it. After all, I’d accepted my “maintenance” practices as a forever part of my life.

Angry and fed up (no pun intended), at last, I said it: “I need accountability and help. Here’s what I’ve been doing...” I wasn’t scared when I told her. I felt calm, desperate, determined, and also relieved to stop hiding my secrets.

 

 

 







  














Alli Spotts-De Lazzer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, and eating and body image specialist with a private practice in Los Angeles, California. Alli has presented educational workshops at conferences, graduate schools, and hospitals; published articles in academic journals, trade magazines, and online information hubs; and appeared as an eating disorders expert on local news. A believer in service, she has co-chaired committees for the Academy for Eating Disorders and the International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals (“iaedp”), facilitated an ongoing eating and body image support group, and created #ShakeIt for Self-Acceptance! – a series of public events sparking conversations about self-acceptance. She was named the 2017 iaedp Member of the Year, and Mayor Garcetti recognized July 13, 2017 as “#ShakeIt for Self-Acceptance! Day” in the City of Los Angeles. MeaningFULL: 23 Life-Changing Stories of Conquering Dieting, Weight, & Body Image Issues was inspired from both Alli’s personal and professional experiences.

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