Monday, July 2, 2018

Fighter Pilot's Daughter by Mary Lawlor @marylawlor5 #puyb #memoir



FIGHTER PILOT'S DAUGHTER by Mary Lawlor, Memoir, 336 pp., $19.95 (paperback) $18.09 (Kindle)


Title: Fighter Pilot’s Daughter: Growing Up in the Sixties and the Cold War Author: Mary Lawlor Publisher: Rowman and Littlefield Pages: 336 Genre: Memoir Format: Hardcover/Kindle

Fighter Pilot’s Daughter: Growing Up in the Sixties and the Cold War tells the story of Mary Lawlor’s dramatic, roving life as a warrior’s child. A family biography and a young woman’s vision of the Cold War, Fighter Pilot’s Daughter narrates the more than many transfers the family made from Miami to California to Germany as the Cold War demanded. Each chapter describes the workings of this traveling household in a different place and time. The book’s climax takes us to Paris in May ’68, where Mary—until recently a dutiful military daughter—has joined the legendary student demonstrations against among other things, the Vietnam War. Meanwhile her father is flying missions out of Saigon for that very same war. Though they are on opposite sides of the political divide, a surprising reconciliation comes years later.

For More Information:

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The pilot’s house where I grew up was mostly a women’s world.  There were five of us.  We had the place to ourselves most of the time.  My mother made the big decisions--where we went to school, which bank to keep our money in.  She had to decide these things often because we moved every couple of years.  The house is thus a figure of speech, a way of thinking about a long series of small, cement dwellings we occupied as one fictional home.
     It was my father, however, who turned the wheel, his job that rotated us to so many different places.  He was an aviator, first in the Marines, later in the Army.  When he came home from his extended absences--missions, they were called--the rooms shrank around him.  There wasn’t enough air.  We didn’t breathe as freely as we did when he was gone, not because he was mean or demanding but because we worshipped him.  Like satellites my sisters and I orbited him at a distance, waiting for the chance to come closer, to show him things we’d made, accept gifts, hear his stories.  My mother wasn’t at the center of things anymore.  She hovered, maneuvered, arranged, corrected.  She was first lady, the dame in waiting.  He was the center point of our circle, a flier, a winged sentry who spent most of his time far up over our heads.  When he was home, the house was definitely his.
     These were the early years of the Cold War.  It was a time of vivid fears, pictured nowadays in photos of kids hunkered under their school desks.  My sisters and I did that.  The phrase ‘air raid drill’ rang hard--the double-a sound a cold, metallic twang, ending with ill.  It meant rehearsal for a time when you might get burnt by the air you breathed. 
     Every day we heard practice rounds of artillery fire and ordinance on the near horizon.  We knew what all this training was for.  It was to keep the world from ending.  Our father was one of many Dads who sweat at soldierly labor, part of an arsenal kept at the ready to scare off nuclear annihilation of life on earth.  When we lived on post, my sisters and I saw uniformed men marching in straight lines everywhere.  This was readiness, the soldiers rehearsing against Armageddon.  The rectangular buildings where the commissary, the PX, the bowling alley and beauty shop were housed had fall out shelters in the basements, marked with black and yellow wheels, the civil defense insignia.  Our Dad would often leave home for several days on maneuvers, readiness exercises in which he and other men played war games designed to match the visions of big generals and political men.  Visions of how a Russian air and ground attack would happen.  They had to be ready for it.
     A clipped, nervous rhythm kept time on military bases.  It was as if you needed to move efficiently to keep up with things, to be ready yourself, even if you were just a kid.  We were chased by the feeling that life as we knew it could change in an hour.









Mary Lawlor 2
Mary Lawlor is author of Fighter Pilot’s Daughter: Growing Up in the Sixties and the Cold War (Rowman & Littlefield paperback 2015); Public Native America: Tribal Self-Representation in Casinos, Museums and Powwows (Rutgers UP, 2006); and Recalling the Wild: Naturalism and the Closing of the American West (Rutgers UP, 2000). She lives in Allentown, PA and Gaucin, Spain.
Her latest book is the memoir, Fighter Pilot’s Daughter: Growing Up in the Sixties and the Cold War.

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Prayer, Marriage and the Leadership Roles of the Husband and Wife by Bishop Ken Giles & Pastor #ChristianLiving


PRAYER, MARRIAGE AND THE LEADERSHIP ROLES OF THE HUSBAND AND WIFE by Bishop Ken Giles and Pastor Sheila Giles, Christian Living, 98 pp., $19.95 (paperback)


Title: PRAYER, MARRIAGE AND THE LEADERSHIP ROLES OF THE HUSBAND AND WIFE
Author: Bishop Ken Giles & Pastor Sheila Giles
Publisher: Independent
Pages: 98
Genre: Christian Living

Marriage is an institution established by God. God ordains a man and a woman to be husband and wife to fulfill his purpose of expanding His likeness and kingdom through their rule and dominion over His creation. Within the institution of marriage, the man is responsible for carrying out and communicating God’s vision.  The woman enables, strengthens and encourages her husband to carry out God’s vision for himself, the marriage and family. The husband and wife become one flesh. No other human relationship, including that of parents and children, is to have priority or greater importance than that of the husband and wife to one another. The Leadership roles of the husband and wife are paramount to God’s plan of blessings in the marriage, family, generations and broader society. Therefore, obedience to God and His word establishes God’s order and facilitates the proper working and functioning of the marriage and family. Thus, establishing the peace, joy and increase the Lord has purposed in and through the marriage and family.

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Chapter 1
Lack of Prayer Invites Sin in the Marriage
Alack of prayer in the marriage invites sin (disobedience to God’s word and will) in the marriage. When there is sin in the marriage it creates conflict, contention, disorder, obstacles and barriers that otherwise would not exist. The marriage, on the other hand, that exist in obedience to God’s word will obtain benefits and blessings which are derived from prayer and the study of His word (Seeking and Knowing God and His will). It is absolutely paramount for prayer to be in a marriage just as it is paramount for prayer to be in an individual’s life. Keep in mind Genesis 2:23 reveals that the two become one flesh. Therefore, the marriage represents one person that is to go before the Lord in prayer. So be it an individual or two that have become one individual (via marriage), a lack of prayer invites sin in the marriage or an individuals life as a result of not having or failing to obtain God’s input (guidance/direction) in their lives. We can look to Genesis 3:1-5 which reads as follows: “Now the serpent more crafty than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And, he said to the woman, “Indeed, has God said, 'You shall not eat from any tree of the garden'?" The woman said to the serpent, “From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat from it or touch it, lest you die'.” The serpent said to the woman, “You surely shall not die! “For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” From this scripture, verses one through five sets the stage for ultimately what happens in verse six. In verses one through five Eve makes the mistake of walking in the counsel of the ungodly (Psalm 1:1 and 6). However, in Genesis 3:6, the ultimate mistake was obeying the counsel of Satan over the counsel of God. (Romans 6:16). Any counsel, advice or thoughts that are contrary to the word and will of God is automatically to be identified as the counsel of Satan. Many times in our society, we obtain information and ideas via family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, television and radio or even the Internet, but we need to be mindful of the fact that there is a way which “seemeth” right to a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death (Proverbs 14:12). Therefore, it behooves us to always consult God via His word and through prayer if we are not certain what His will is for our lives at any given time and in any given area or situation. This is wise to do because God is our Maker and Creator and only wills and desires the very best for us. Even when it may be something that is painful to us or something we do not understand.
It is obvious that Eve did not pray before making her decision to eat from the forbidden tree and just as obvious that Adam and Eve failed to pray together prior to making the decision jointly to partake of the forbidden tree as a married couple (Genesis 3:6). If consistent and continuous prayer (Praying without ceasing - I Thessalonians 5:17) would have been undertaken by Adam and Eve individually and/or as a married couple sin would not have had the opportunity to enter their lives individually or their marriage and ultimately their family. The sin Satan purposed to plant in their individual lives, marriage and family would have been shut out of their paradise (place of peace, joy and plenty). However, because they failed to pray individually or jointly, the door for sin to enter was left wide open. All that remained was for Eve and ultimately Adam and Eve to do was to operate based on what they thought and how they felt. It should be noted here that everyone has an opinion, but the only one that matters is God’s opinion (I Kings 18:21). His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our way (Isaiah 55:8-9).










Bishop Ken Giles began full-time ministry in 1993 as an inner-city Missions Leader in Dallas, Texas, while at Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship under Dr. Tony Evans. He later served there as Assistant Executive Director of their nonprofit corporation. In 1998, he returned to his hometown of Beaumont, Texas, and served as Pastor of Outreach at Cathedral of Faith Baptist Church and Executive Director of their nonprofit corporation. In 2000, Lincoln Bible Church was planted in the Beaumont/Port Arthur area and is now located in the Greater Houston Texas area where Bishop Ken Giles and his wife, Pastor Sheila Giles provide servant leadership. Bishop Giles has a Master of Education Administration from Prairie View A&M University and a Master of Theology from Southeast Texas Theological Seminary. 

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Brimstone by John Allen @mystery #thriller #womensleuths #historical #suspense



BRIMSTONE by John Allen, Historical/Women Sleuths/ Mystery/Suspense/Thriller, 336 pp., $9.99 (paperback) $2.99 (Kindle)



Title: BRIMSTONE
Author: John Allen
Publisher: Allen & Allen Semiotics Inc.
Pages: 224
Genre: Historical Fiction/Women Sleuths/Mystery/Suspense/Thriller

Author John Allen has a theory about the creator of Sherlock Holmes:

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle did not create Holmes. It was Doyle’s wife, Louise Hawkins Conan Doyle, who gave birth to the beloved sleuth.

Allen has put his beliefs to the test, writing and publishing the first of a projected 12-novel series of Holmes mysteries titled BRIMSTONE. His detective is Louise Hawkins Conan Doyle, and Allen names her as the author of the tale he presents, set in 1879 Bristol, England.

In a previous book, SHADOW WOMAN, Allen set out to prove that Louise was the true creator of Sherlock Holmes. The inspiration for his startling and controversial theory of authorship was a 1980s essay by Martin Gardner called “The Irrelevance of Arthur Conan Doyle.” Gardner claimed that Arthur was “too gullible and to easily duped to have created Sherlock Holmes.”

Allen determined that Gardner was correct, but Gardner identified no alternative author. Allen continues, “So I decided to give it a try. I came to suspect Louise as the actual author, but I lacked the knowledge and tools to make a solid case.”

Then the Internet came along, giving Allen a valuable research tool. He became convinced that Louise did in fact create Sherlock Holmes. Allen presented his case in SHADOW WOMAN, which was published in 2017. To further advance Louise as Holmes’s creator, to give her the credit he believes she is due, he is now featuring her in a series of mystery novels, the first of which is BRIMSTONE.

As if Allen hadn’t set the bar too high already, he has added a subtext to BRIMSTONE that explores contemporary wrongful convictions through his Victorian thrillers.
BRIMSTONE brims with appeal to multiple audiences, from lovers of detective stories to those interested in justice for the wrongfully convicted. Sherlock Holmes would be proud.

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LOUISE BEHIND BARS
Judge Blair modified the contempt penalty imposed on Louise to time already served. Detective John Reeves, eager to inform her that she was free, was surprised when she insisted on serving the entire seven-day sentence. He hesitantly asked if she would mind him calling on her, once matters settled, but she did not respond. He reproached himself for such an untimely and selfish intrusion, and vowed to never again disturb her, to spend his time instead searching for the man with the dent in his forehead.
Upon learning of Louise’s lack of appreciation for his mercy, Judge Blair declared her in trespass of Crown property and ordered that she be removed, with force if necessary. Three jailers tried, but she thrust her arms between the bars and interlocked her fingers. As the two men pulled Louise from behind, the matron attempted to pry apart Louise’s fingers, but stopped in horror at the snap of a knuckle and a scream of pain.
Dr. Daniel Weston arrived within the hour. After removing his silk-lined bowler and installing his pince-nez spectacles upon the bridge of his nose, he examined Louise’s injuries. He set the obviously dislocated small finger of her right hand, splinting it and taping it to the two adjoining fingers. He applied an ointment to the burns on her left hand, then rebandaged it. He told her that her ankle was healing more slowly than expected, that she might have broken a bone, and he wrapped the ankle tightly for her, advising that her foot should be in a cast and that she should keep off it as much as possible.
Her nose was definitely broken and must soon be set, he said, lest it be deformed forever. Informing her that the procedure would be quick but painful, he offered several doses of laudanum, which she accepted. Despite the sedative and her resolution to be stoic, she screamed for a second time when the doctor put his hands on either side of her nose and snapped it left, then right, to reset the bone and cartilage.
“It will be nearly perfect when it heals,” he told her. He suspected the renewed bruises around her eyes would be spectacular for several weeks.







John Allen is giving away a $25 Amazon Gift Card!

Terms & Conditions:
  • By entering the giveaway, you are confirming you are at least 18 years old
  • One winner will be chosen via Rafflecopter
  • This giveaway ends midnight July 27
  • Winner will be contacted via email on July 28
  • Winner has 48 hours to reply
Good luck everyone!

ENTER TO WIN!




John Allen was born in Long Beach, CA. An engineer “by education, training, and experience,” he describes himself as “a recovering engineer.”  He left engineering to become the junior partner in Allen & Allen Semiotics Inc., a corporation that his wife, Lynn, launched for their diversified home business. Their projects include designing databases for mid-sized companies. John Allen holds a BS from the United States Air Force Academy, an MS from the University of Southern California, and an MA from the University of California, Riverside.

You can visit his website at http://louiseconandoyle.com/.



 


Book Trailer Blast: Nailed by Avery Daniels


About the Book:



Title: NAILED: RESORT TO MURDER II
Author: Avery Daniels
Publisher: Blazing Sword Publishing, Ltd.
Pages: 284
Genre: Cozy Mystery/Amateur Sleuth

BOOK BLURB:
Julienne is snow bound in the middle of the Rocky Mountains with a killer striking at will.
Julienne LaMere gets to attend a Resort Management conference at a prestigious ski resort in the Colorado Mountains. What should be an enjoyable getaway attending workshops by day and shopping and enjoying the resort by night comes to a screeching halt when a loud-mouthed guest is murdered plus the roads and town shut down for an epic blizzard.

In addition to attending the conference, dodging a smitten teen boy, and seeking clues among the gossiping - and increasingly tense - guests, her best friend’s heart has warmed to an unlikely man and may get broken. As if her mind isn’t already fully occupied, Julienne and her new boyfriend Mason are skiing down troubled slopes in their relationship. Will Julienne put the scant clues together and unveil the culprit before a murderer gets away?

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Book Excerpt:

Alpine Sun Resort had touches of the classic white exterior with alpine timber framing and balconies fitted with window boxes for flowers in spring and summer.  Aspens and evergreens surrounded the sides and back where a stream meandered past. The research I’d compiled hadn’t done it justice.  I felt like I’d been transported to a luxury version of a Brothers Grimm fairytale.

To the right of the entrance driveway stood a large snowman around six feet tall sporting a top hat, with a tree branch speared through its head, and a bright blood red scarf around its neck greeted me.  It seemed gruesome to me and a feeling of dread washed over me.
“A slice of Germany.  Feels quaint and cozy, don’t you think?  Hope they have a German hunk available.” Porsche smiled.

“If there’s one on this entire mountain, I’m sure you’ll find him.”  Porsche attracted men with her sense of assurance and she changed boyfriends as often as her nail polish.

“With any luck.”  She winked.  “You know me, I’ll find a diversion.  Don’t worry about me entertaining myself.”

A uniformed valet was opening my car door before I could register his presence.  At the entrance, I turned and drank in the view with a deep breath tinged with the scent of pine.  The snow-draped ski slopes to the one side and the quaint town on the other were idyllic. 
The ominous sky, roiling gunmetal and smoky gray clouds choking out the sun, was the only blemish in the lovely tableau stretched before me.  This storm system was setting up to give us a good dump of powder and the skiers would be thrilled.  I wasn’t too concerned.  The roads were usually the main issue.  Colorado is fortunate to only occasionally experience road closures.


About the Author



Avery Daniels was born and raised in Colorado, graduated from college with a degree in business administration and has worked in fortune 500 companies and Department of Defense her entire life. Her most eventful job was apartment management for 352 units. She still resides in Colorado with two brother black cats as her spirited companions. She volunteers for a cat shelter, enjoys scrapbooking and card making, photography, and painting in watercolor and acrylic. She inherited a love for reading from her mother and grandmother and grew up talking about books at the dinner table.

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The Heartfulness Way by Kamlesh D. Patel and Joshua Pollock @heartful_ness



THE HEARTFULNESS WAY by Kamlesh D. Patel and Joshua Pollock, Nonfiction/Spiritual/Meditation, 190 pp., $13.48 (paperback) $9.99 (Kindle)



Title: THE HEARTFULNESS WAY  
Author: Kamlesh D. Patel & Joshua Pollock  
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications  
Pages: 190  
Genre: Nonfiction/Spiritual/Meditation

“A must-read for anyone interested in incorporating meditation into their lifestyle.”
––Sanjay Gupta, MD, chief medical correspondent for CNN

Heartfulness is an ideal, a spiritual way of living by and from the heart that is inclusive of all ideologies, beliefs, and religions. In this heart-centered book, a student in conversation with his teacher, Kamlesh D. Patel—affectionately known as Daaji, the fourth and current spiritual guide of the century-old Heartfulness tradition—present a unique method of meditation with the power to facilitate an immediate, tangible spiritual experience, irrespective of a person’s faith.

Our modern, fast-paced world can be an overwhelming place. Every day, we’re bombarded with messages telling us that in order to be happy, fulfilled, and worthy, we must be better, do more, and accumulate as much material wealth as possible. Most of us move through our busy lives with our minds full of these ideas, multitasking as we strive to navigate the responsibilities and expectations we must meet just to make it through the day. But what if there is another way? What if, rather than letting the busyness of life overtake our minds, we learn to be heartful instead?

Based on Daaji’s own combination of approaches and practices for the modern seeker—which draws from the teachings of Sahaj Marg, meaning “Natural Path”—Heartfulness is a contemporized version of the ancient Indian practice of Raja Yoga, a tradition that enables the practitioner to realize the higher Self within. While many books describe refined states of being, The Heartfulness Way goes further, providing a pragmatic course to experience those states for oneself, which, per the book’s guiding principle, is “greater than knowledge.”

Heartfulness meditation consists of four elements—relaxation, meditation, cleaning, and prayer—and illuminates the ancient, defining feature of yogic transmission (or pranahuti), the utilization of divine energy for spiritual growth and transformation. Using the method, detailed practices, tips, and practical philosophy offered in this book, you’ll reach new levels of attainment and learn to live a life more deeply connected to the values of the Heartfulness way—with acceptance, humility, compassion, empathy, and love.

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We never know what life has in store for us, what is just around the corner, and that is part and parcel of the mystery and beauty of living. I have received many blessings during my six decades on this Earth, and one of those happened while I was a teenager, studying pharmacy in Ahmedabad in India in 1976. Thanks to one of my college pals, I came across Heartfulness meditation, and a few months later was face-to-face with the remarkable man who immediately became my first guru, who guided me in this practice. His name was Ram Chandra, and we called him Babuji.

The effect of the very first Heartfulness meditation on me was so profound that it was clear I had found my direction and anchor in life. But the effect of meeting Babuji was beyond even that – something so precious and subtle in its essence that it defines description. While universes and dimensions have opened in my inner world since that time, it is only one aspect of what has unfolded during these last four decades. What is even more wonderful is the walth of everyday qualities that have come through Heartfulness practice – qualities such as love, acceptance, humility, service, compassion, empathy, and a higher purpose to existence.






Kamlesh D. Patel
KAMLESH D. PATEL is known widely as Daaji. His teachings arise from his personal experience on the path of Heartfulness, while reflecting his deep spirit of enquiry and respect for the world’s great spiritual traditions and scientific advancements. Daaji practised pharmacy in New York City for over three decades before being named the successor in a century-old lineage of spiritual masters. Fulfilling the many duties of a modern-day guru, he travels widely, extending his support to spiritual seekers everywhere. A self-professed student of spirituality, he devotes much of his time and energy to research in the field of consciousness and spirituality, approaching the subject with scientific methodology – a practical approach that stems from his own experience and mastery in the field.

Joshua Pollock

Joshua Pollock is a student of Kamlesh D. Patel. After experimenting with various meditative practices, Joshua started practicing Heartfulness in the United States in 2002 and has taught it since 2007. He regularly teaches Heartfulness at universities, corporations, government institutions, and at public seminars. An accomplished violinist, Joshua has performed and taught all over the world. He holds a Bachelor of Musical Arts from Indiana University and two Masters degrees from the Guildhall School of Music and Drama in London. In August of 2015, he was invited by Daaji to co author this book.

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LaLa Feels Blah-La by Tela Kayne @telakayne #children #vbt


LALA FEELS BLAH-LA by Tela Kayne, Children, 28 pp., $8.89 (paperback) $3.99 (Kindle)



Title: LALA FEELS BLAH-LA Author: Tela Kayne Publisher: The Virtue Agency Pages: 30 Genre: Children’s Picture Book

Welcome to LaLa’s World: Where kids learn how to be the change!

In this newly released children’s book, “LaLa Feels Blah-La,” a young girl and her stuffed bear wake up feeling blah for no apparent reason. LaLa’s mom teaches her to be mindful of her feelings and turn her mood around with the flip of a coin. Perfect for young readers, LaLa Feels Blah-La , teaches children to be more mindful of their feelings and manage their mood swings.

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Lala wakes up and feels rotten, but she's not sure why. She's not sick, and the sun is shining. Lala is blah-la.

She stomps downstairs for breakfast. 

Stomp, stomp, stomp.









As the daughter of a librarian, Tela Kayne grew up reading countless literary works of all genres in quiet corners of the local library. She developed the love of writing at an early age, penning theatrical productions that were performed in the family living room for an audience of loved ones. She officially began her creative career as a young actress in Atlanta, having appeared on stage in a variety of roles including Puck of Midsummer Night’s Dream and Alice in Alice in Wonderland.
After graduating college Summa Cum Laude from the University of Georgia with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and working a short stint in the “real world,” she moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career in film. After securing her Screen Actor’s Guild membership through appearances on television shows like G vs E, The Parkers and Get Real as well as films like Down to You, Almost Famous, and Disney’s The Kid, she decided to garner more behind-the-camera experience. She secured internships at Scott Rudin Productions, one of Hollywood’s most prolific and demanding producers and Mostow Lieberman Productions (U-571) at Universal Studios. She soon accepted a paid position with executive producer Chris Sievernich and discovered her love of screenplay development, running the coverage department for Kinowelt USA and assisting in the development of projects like Nurse Betty, The Wedding Planner and Welcome to Collinwood. After several years of working in Hollywood, she returned home to Atlanta in 2001 to focus on a career in strategic marketing.

As president and founder of The Virtue Agency, an integrated content development and marketing agency, Tela has spent the last fifteen years writing content and maximizing brand exposure and engagement for clients. She has authored articles that appear on MarketWatch (WSJ), Yahoo! Finance, MNN.com, EWG.org, and HealthyChild.org. She is also entering into the literary world with the release of LaLa Feels Blah-La, Book 1 of her debut children’s series, LaLa’s World.

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The Freedom Club by Cindy Vine @cindyvine #YA


THE FREEDOM CLUB by Cindy Vine, YA, 184 pp., $4.99 (Kindle)


Title: THE FREEDOM CLUB Author: Cindy Vine Publisher: Createspace Pages: 184 Genre: YA

“We could be anybody and everybody. A group of high school stereotypes with one thing in common.  Every one of us has a story.”

Every high school has the bullies, the freaks, and the weird kids that make you feel uneasy.  Rourke High has more than their fair share.  A few months before the end of their senior year, a group of seemingly mismatched kids get together to form The Freedom Club, hoping that they can support the victims of bullying, before they graduate.  As they uncover secrets and lies they plot revenge – and discover love, friendship and truths about themselves, building up to a shocking climax that will leave you reeling.

Do you ever really know the person next to you?

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Amazon


Chapter 1 Maddie
In Grade 5 my class teacher assigned us all a task. We had to keep a Thought Journal for a period of three weeks. In the notebook she provided, we had to record anything we saw or heard, random things we thought about, newspaper clippings, magazine articles - basically anything that was of interest to us. The object of the task was to have group discussions at the end of the three weeks about the issues that we felt strongly about. The teacher believed that our Thought Journals would help us identify those issues. Once we had discussed them in our groups, we would then be able to decide which issues we had in common and which were the most important to us all. The next step would be to research the important issues we had identified as a group, then put together a presentation which we would show our parents one evening after school.
It sounds good in theory, right? The problem was only a few of us took the Thought Journals seriously. Writing down some very random thoughts the night before the due date defeated the whole object of the exercise. I had never been a ‘Dear Diary’ type of girl, although I had always loved to write. Diaries with little locks on, given to me as presents on birthdays and Christmas, have always remained unopened and untouched amongst other junk in the bottom drawer of my dresser. There was something about them that seemed both frivolous and soppy. I’m sure people who kept diaries didn’t really start each entry with ‘Dear Diary’, but in my mind they did and that’s what made it seem all a little pathetic.
But even though a Thought Journal did the same thing as a diary, it felt different somehow. Thought Journal sounded more serious, more intellectual than a silly diary. Recording my thoughts made me feel important, as if my thoughts really mattered. A notebook instead of a pink hard cover diary with flowers, bows and a lock, made me feel as if I was above silly thoughts about boys I liked and girlie gossip. The notebook made me feel as if I had something important to say and that if the world ended, then the next inhabitants of Earth would find my Thought Journals and know what it was like when I lived. Well, that’s what I thought when I was in Grade 5. Now I’m in my senior year of High School and my Thought Journal is all that keeps me alive.
Chapter 2 Arek
The sirens and flashing blue lights brought everybody outside. There is something about someone else's drama that attracts fellow humans, rather like flies to a pile of dung. Or bees to a can of soda. How many people stop to look at a bad car accident? It's not because they want to help. It's because they want to see. People want to be grossed out. They want to see torn-off limbs propped up next to a car tire. They want to see that body covered in blood and shards of glass. They want to exclaim and gag and gasp at the horror of it all. People are drama queens and that's no lie.
Hot on the heels of the first responders and emergency services are the press. News vans, cameramen and reporters with over-sized mikes. Desperate to display people's misery for the world to see. Shoving mikes in bystanders ́ faces - “What did you see? What did you hear? What do you know about the victim?” And of course the unspoken question, “What little bit of shitty gossip can you share about the victim?” And so the victim of a particular disaster is stripped of everything. Nothing is too sacred or too private not to be shared with the vultures eagerly gulping down every tidbit of information. The worst though, are the people who come forward pretending to have known the victim, making up the anecdotes they share on the fly.
It's almost worth living just to hear the shit they share. Lie after lie. Relating false memories in a sort of parallel universe. Creating their own reality. Pity none of it is true. Fake news, maybe there’s something in that after all.
And so, as Todd ́s gurney holding his body bag is rolled into the waiting ambulance, you can hear the collective sighs of the onlookers. “If only we'd known. If only he'd told us he was depressed we would have helped him. If only he had said he was planning on hanging himself in the bedroom we would have been there for him.”
If only.
If only you actually gave a shit.
If only those fake tears rolling down your cheeks
meant something.
If only you had made the time to actually know
Todd.
If only.
Too late.
Another teen lost to suicide.
Another family heartbroken and emotionally
shattered.
Kids at our high school will try and picture what he
looked like and share reminiscences that are actually of somebody else. And those who should be held culpable will carry on as if nothing happened and even make suicide jokes.
Nobody will be held accountable.
No amount of casseroles and lasagnas dropped off at the grief-stricken family ́s home will bring Todd back. The community rallying around? What a joke! All
they want is to find out the gory details. Nothing is going to change. Nothing is ever going to change.
The crowd swells as more neighbors come to gawk. People start talking to neighbors they haven’t spoken to in years. There’s nothing like someone else’s drama to get communication going again.
Too bad.
How sad.
I was standing behind Principal Timmins when he
turned to an officer and I heard him say, “Thank goodness he only committed suicide and didn't go gun ́crazy at school. At least it's just him and not a whole lot of others.”
Seriously?
We wouldn't want our school to look bad, would we? Good to hear our esteemed principal really cares
about us kids. I moved away before the officer had time to reply to Timmins’s insensitive comment. I always thought Timmins was a dick. Great to know what I thought has been confirmed.
Todd wasn’t my friend and I’m not going to pretend he was. But he was more than just an acquaintance. He always aspired to be one of the Cool Kids, which meant he ignored me at school. But as we lived in the same street, we often walked home together and Todd would try and impress me with the things he got up to with the Cool Kids. So I knew quite a bit about what was going on in his life. I also knew from things he said that he didn’t quite fit in, no matter how hard he tried. What I could never have foreseen, was that he would end up killing himself. Something bad must have happened to make him think that life wasn’t worth living. My gut feeling, is that the Cool Kids are somehow involved.
As I walk away from the crowd and head home to dinner, I mull over in my mind the last conversations I had with Todd. Trying to find clues in the things he had said. Looking for answers. Why kill yourself? What did they do to you?
There are days when I feel what’s the point of everything. Why bother getting out of bed just to go to school to pretend to learn when all you do is try to survive the day unscathed. But even though I often think life is pointless, I’m not sure I’d ever go to the extreme of killing myself. Why give them the satisfaction?
Living might be the only way to defeat them.
Then again, who knows and would they really care? And with that sobering thought, I open the front door to the house where we do not talk to each other.









Cindy Vine was born in South Africa and has lived and worked in many different countries as a teacher.  Cindy is currently living and working in Norway. She has three adult children who have all inherited her love of traveling and who all live in different countries.  Cindy likes to write about the difficult subjects that make you think.  Besides writing and traveling, Cindy loves cooking and fixing up houses.

Her latest book is the YA, The Freedom Club.

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